The feeling of sabotage is a nasty one. Life is good, all is well, and even a bit of joy is sneaking into your soul–and the hammer falls. But, you deal with it, roll with it, make lemonade out of lemons. If you find out that it actually was sabotage, that the significant other knew exactly what he was doing, your world feels like it is crumbling around you. Has my marriage been a lie? What else have I trusted and believed that is not true?
The body certainly does keep score. Years after leaving my destructive marriage, my world still falls apart when I feel sabotaged. Just when I am rising at a steady pace, reaching my goals, feeling like my true self, someone steps in and changes just enough where I am thrown back to the ground. The black hole opens beneath my feet and I struggle to get enough air, to see any hope. It is hard to rise when you are in a soul-crushing atmosphere. It is hard to think outside the box when the box keeps closing in. If you don’t have the space to think, it is hard to imagine what else could possibly be. I have to remind myself that I am now in control over my destiny. And it is scary. It might mean less money or losing friends, or moving away. But, if I am going to rise, I am going to ignore that straight line most people seem to move alongside of and fly the path that brings me peace. And it will never be as the crow flies.