It is incredibly freeing to write and publish these thoughts without fear of retaliation. The feeling that when others judge me they don’t really know who I am is deeply satisfying. These days, I often sit and ask myself, “If you could do anything with no restraints, what would it be?” I haven’t really had an answer to that yet. Small things, yes, such as I want to take a walk or watch a movie, but larger things don’t feel within my grasp. I often just feel tired and don’t feel that I want to do anything. In good moments, I want to expand to fill a larger space–to achieve the things I feel deep inside are possible. And then life happens. I’m just so tired, and sometimes getting up doesn’t feel worth the effort.
Before the sabotage mentioned in the last post, I was in an expanding mode. That is when I started this blog and could see all the possibilities associated with it. Sabotage always brings a contraction. I did not contract as much this time. Am I healing?