I had a conversation with God yesterday. I’ve had conversations here and there over the last year, but this one felt like a real prayer as opposed to talking to myself or talking to a dead spouse as some people do. In that conversation, I told God that I was willing to start over. I have been struggling with the idea that many of the spiritual experiences I’ve had were either enhanced or created by my mind. Finding out my marriage was a lie really messed with my mind. I have trouble believing anything anymore, and, frankly, now that I am out of religious circles, reasons to not believe in God are presented frequently and make sense. Because I am concerned that I made up my religious experiences, I’m also concerned that I am being foolish holding onto a belief that many of those around me find archaic and nonsensical. So, I told God that I am going to start fresh. I am trying to let go of what I knew before and seek him honestly and naively as someone who is learning about him for the first time to find out if he is real or not. How I want him to be real. He has been with me (real or not) for so many years that the thought of him not being true is worse that finding out the person I thought loved me actually viewed me as an object.
And so I am out here in nature once again, and I found myself praying. What hurts so deeply that I start to cry when I pray? Is it because I know it is not true? Is it because I held onto hope for so long, thinking that God would take the horrible situation I was in and make a miracle? I haven’t figured it out, and I don’t know if I ever will. The pain is so deep that I can’t determine which direction it is coming from. Is it because I am older now and I can see how far I’ve strayed from who I truly am? I’ve always been afraid of being seen as arrogant and full of myself. Because of this, I think I have hidden away. I have this huge desire to break free…but free of what?